Mothers' Day is approaching. I've been gathering cards and little gifts for all of the respective mother figures in our family, as of late.
I am accustomed to that role. The role of daughter. It is a role I know well. I have been doing it for almost three decades now.
However, I sometimes forget that Mothers' Day is a day for me too now. Because, I am a mother. Better yet, I am a mother to a daughter.
I also forget how much effect my own self loathing might have on my child. My endless weighing and dieting. My constant desire to perfect myself. But, for who?
Her father doesn't seem to mind my looks. My body has provided everything she required from it, and then some. I am healthy. Rarely sick. Able to walk, run, bend, stretch, play... I eat healthfully and yet I worry more about the number on the label of my dress and the number on the scale... rather than the number of candles on her cake.
Time is flying by, and I am wasting it with selfish pursuits. Obsessing over tiny bulges and the respective size of numbers...
But the worst of this is that I might pass some of this self loathing behavior on to my daughter. I make a conscious effort to avoid such talk in front of her, but it's difficult to eliminate it entirely when you spend just about every waking moment of your day with someone.
So, I am constantly trying to be aware of this kind of attitude for my daughter's sake. My newest mantra with her is, "A clean girl is a healthy girl. And, a healthy girl is a pretty girl." I use this saying in an effort to get her to let me wash her face/hands/hair. But, it's true. Live cleanly. Be healthy. You WILL be pretty. Regardless of what your scale says.
Hopefully, I can make that a reality in my own life... So, it will always be a reality for hers.